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Posts Tagged ‘Thanksgiving’

1.  Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately… Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat… Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year‘s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

[author unknown]

Please Be Safe

Please Be Safe

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One word… bowling!

As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact.

As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)

As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.

Makes a great doggie chew toy.

Fill it with whip cream – watch the fun.

An unexplored cavern for the new Barbie.

A visual aid to explain to children where babies come from.

If you’re flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on.  See what it looks like in the X-ray machine.  Better yet, put it in a pet carrier and asked the flight attendant for some chicken feed.

Wear as a helmet, declaring, “I’m TURKEYMAN!

Before serving, paste feathers on the poor naked creature.

Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room, amaze your guests with this talking foul!

Throw the turkey out the window yelling, “You’re FREE! Fly! FLY!

Two words: Turkey puppet.

Toss the carcass into a turkey farm to intimidate next year’s stock.

Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood in the back of a pickup and see how many dogs follow you.

From a concealed location, toss in front of a passing car.  When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog!

As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor. 

As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins.

As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, “Aren’t they a wonderful band!” for the 25th time.

As a hood ornament.

As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can’t kiss you and say, “How much you’ve grown!”

As a football for the after-meal game.

[unknown]

Prozac Turkey
Prozac Turkey

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Many believers only look for God’s activity in the midst of crises. As long as life runs along smoothly, the idea that God is or wants to be involved in life is the farthest thing from their thinking.  At least, this seems to be the way I live most of my life.  The unfortunate thing about this way of living one’s faith is missing the ways that God surprises us in everyday, simple things.

When my young family and I moved to Quilcene, Washington, I had the joy of exploring the many local lakes for fishing. The settings are very beautiful; the fishing good.  Unfortunately, much of the shoreline of the lakes is unapproachable.

Many times I took my son along with me. He would patiently hold a fishing pole waiting for a fish to bite.  However, as any young boy would, he soon grew bored and would explore other things around him.  One day, after a great time at a lakeside but no fish to show for our efforts, I breathed a simple wish more than a prayer, “Lord, it would sure be nice to have one of those two- or three-man rubber boats to haul to the lakes.

My life did not depend upon getting one and neither did my fishing. My son, Gareth, and I could continue going to the lakes without one.  It is just that it would make the experience a little more enjoyable and, perhaps, successful.

A few days later, I met with the pastor from the Presbyterian church in town. Everyone called him Pastor Ray.  He was well into his 70’s and he and his wife, originally from Southern California, were temporarily filling in at the small town church.  We had a habit of meeting regularly two or three times a month.

As I was getting ready to take my leave after this particular day’s conversation, Pastor Ray stopped me and asked, “Do you do any fishing?”

I replied, “Yes.  I like to spend my extra time at the lakes around here and often take my son with me.  Do you do any fishing?”

I used to,” he sighed with longing.  “I’m getting too old to go out anymore.”

That’s too bad,” I offered.  “The lake fishing around here is great.”

Well, me and my wife have a small rubber raft stowed in our RV we want to get rid of to make room for other things.  Would you like it?” he asked.

How much do you want for it?” I tendered, supposing that he would want to sell it to get something in return for it.

“Nothing!  If you want it, it is yours.  Otherwise, I’ll find someone else to give it to,” he said.

Sure!  I’d love to have it.  The other day I was wishing I had one,” I told him.

A short while later, Ray brought by the raft. It was a nice, large three man raft (though it said four, they must have meant midgets).  I thanked him profusely.  It had everything necessary: pump, oars, cushions, and quarter inch plied wood piece to fit the bottom.  It even had a mount for a motor.

I wasted no time in getting it into the nearest lake to try it out. It was a lot of fun and I could get into some choice parts of the lakes.  Fishing definitely improved.  Gareth liked floating in the raft.  Rowing it was not too bad.  But I often wondered what it would be like if I had a little electric boat motor to get around.

Hyas Lake Valley, Washington State, September 2010

Hyas Lake Valley, Washington State, September 2010 ©Weatherstone/Ron Almberg, Jr. (2010)

A few months later, I showed my prize “boat” to a good friend. He was impressed but commented, “You need to have one of those little electric bass motors for this.  That would be great!

Yeah,” I responded.  “Maybe someday.

Bass Pro Shops

Image via Wikipedia

The next day, my good friend returned to my house with a Bass Pro Shop catalog. He handed to me and said, “There some good electric motors in here I thought you’d enjoy looking at to fit your boat.”  With that, he got back in his truck and left.

Cool,” I thought and looked forward to looking through it later.

That evening, I picked up the magazine and flipped through the magazine. There was something for every outdoor sportsman.  The fishing section was huge.  Finally, I got to the electric motors.  The pages had been marked with a paper.  The paper, it turned out, was a check for one of the motors and a battery.  Stunned, I looked at the check and then looked at the motor and battery my good friend had circled in the catalog.  A note scribbled in his barely legible handwriting said, “Enjoy this gift.  My wife and I wanted to do this for you.”

I recalled how just a few weeks ago I had breathed a desire toward heaven for something as insignificant as a rubber raft to fish and enjoy the out of doors. Now, here I was with both a boat and a motor.  It dawned on me then and continues to roll through my mind even today that the Creator delights in giving us the desires of our heart at times to just surprise us.

I have not always gotten everything I have wished for or prayed for in my life. I have yet to figure out the secret of getting everything I want from God.  I suppose he has other plans.  However, there are plenty of people who seem to want to treat him like some kind of heavenly vending machine or divine emergency exit from trouble.

Whether gifts of blessings or escapes from trouble, God’s help seems to always come as surprises: unexpected, in the final moments, and only at times that seem to have some hidden divine agenda. The surprise itself may be the point of the lesson.  It makes the times that God blesses or intervenes unforgettable.  And we all know that one of the greatest of human failings is forgetting – our blessings, life’s lessons, times of help, and those who care.

This may be the importance the old song intended when we sang,Count your blessings, name them one by one…count your many blessings, see what the Lord has done.”  Our faith buckets are leaky and our memories undependable.  Regular times of giving thanks for all of life’s events and what God has done in them can help us.  The Thanksgiving Season is a great opportunity to do this, though I doubt that very few actually do.  One thing about it, God will continue to surprise.  Perhaps we surprise him when we actually remember.

©Weatherstone/Ron Almberg, Jr. (2010)

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This is for all my friends who are parents.  While it is written from the mom’s perspective, even dads can appreciate this humorous perspective.  [author unknown]

When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable homework assignment to write an essay on “something I am thankful for.”

Then I’d spend a lot of time sitting in my room trying to figure out just what in the world that could possibly be, and I’d end up writing down everything I could think of from God to environmental consciousness.

But after having children, my priorities have clearly changed:

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful to have been born the USA, the most powerful free democracy in the world.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for Velcro tennis shoes. As well as saving valuable time, now I can hear the sound of my son taking off his shoes — which gives me three extra seconds to activate the safety locks on the back seat windows right before he hurls them out of the car and onto the freeway.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the recycling program that will preserve our natural resources and prevent the overloading of landfills.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for swim diapers because every time my son wanders into water in plain disposables, he ends up wearing a blimp the size of, say, New Jersey, on his bottom.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for fresh, organic vegetables.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for microwaveable macaroni and cheese — without which my children would be surviving on about three bites of cereal and their own spit.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to obtain a college education and have a higher quality of life than my ancestors.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful to finish a complete thought without being interrupted.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for holistic medicine and natural herbs.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for pediatric cough syrup guaranteed to “cause drowsiness” in young children.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for all of the teachers who had taught, encouraged, and nurtured me throughout my formative years.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for all of the people at Weight Watchers who let me strip down to pantyhose and a strategically placed scarf before getting on the scale each week.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for the Butterball Turkey hotline.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for such material objects as custom furniture, a nice car, and trendy clothes.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for my wonderful family.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for my wonderful family.

[author unknown]

Sharp Edges Sign

Sharp Edges Sign

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Public Displays of Worship

How we love to laugh at ourselves!  A joke frequently told in parts of the upper midwest USA that exposes its Scandinavian heritage is, “Did you hear about the Norwegian who loved his wife so much that he almost told her?”  (You could put Swede, German, or any other Northern European group in there.)  Yes, we Scandinavian and Germanic folk are known to be a somewhat emotionally reserved.  Some would say we are emotionally constipated!  Granted, we are not a little reticent about open public displays of affection.  We were taught early on to guard the expressions of our hearts.

Unfortunately, this cultural attitude creeps into our attitude and expressions of worship towards God.  Our definition of worship done ‘in decency and order’ means in an acceptable fashion to our cultural tastes; something that does not move one out of his or her comfort zone.  At the same time, we can look across the great diversity of God’s kingdom and see many expressions of worship that draw upon our hearts: southern gospel, urban gospel, African American gospel, not to mention the other diverse styles and types of worship around the world.  If you were to sit through a Latin American or African church worship service, the sight and sounds would be a lot different than a typical upper midwest USA service.

Never mind cultural flavors in worship, the Bible describes worship as “bowing low, kissing another’s feet, expressing adoration.”  Simply, worship is the love language of the worshipper.  How much do you love the One you worship?  That will indicate the level of your extravagance in displaying your love to the object of your love.  Now, I am not talking about weirdness.  Neither am I talking about expressions that draw attention to the individual worshipper instead of to the Lord.  True worship points to and gives focus toward God only.

Opening Rose Bud, Bush House Gardens, Salem, Oregon, 2009

Opening Rose Bud, Bush House Gardens, Salem, Oregon, 2009 ©Weatherstone/Ron Almberg, Jr. (2010)

The book of The Song of Solomon is an extravagant display of affectionate words and actions between two lovers.  To real conservative people, it comes across as being ‘over the top.’  When I was a poor Bible college student, I wanted to show the girl I was interested in how much I cared for her.  On Valentine’s Day, singing groups on campus would deliver Singing-grams with a carnation.  So, I used the last of my pocket change to have a group deliver a carnation and sing, “You Light Up My Life”  (Yes, I’m THAT old!).  I wanted to do something extra special to show how much I cared for her.  (Unfortunately, I later learned it was a song she hated!  Oops.  Well, she married me later anyway.  Some things are forgivable.)

Two stories of Scripture that have always captured my imagination are found in 2 Samuel 6 and Luke 7.  In both of these cases, something extravagant was done to worship the Lord.  In 2 Samuel, David “wearing a linen ephod, danced before the LORD with all his might…with shouts and the sounds of trumpets.”  David’s worship, along with “the entire house of Israel,” before the Lord was an extravagant celebration of his love for God.  Michal, David’s wife and the daughter of Saul, was embarrassed by David’s unbecoming conduct and “despised him in her heart.”

David’s response to Michal was not to gain her approval!  He told her, “It was before the LORD…I will celebrate before the LORD.  I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes…”  I have to admit that I cannot recall a time in my spiritual journey where I would call my worship of God “undignified” or something that caused me to be “humiliated”.  Still, it this proposal by David challenges me and prods me.  Have I ever allowed my worship of the Lord to become that extravagant?  I am more like Michal, I am afraid, than David.

In Luke 7, a story unfolds that is recorded in all four gospels.  It is the record of a single worshipper at the feet of Jesus.  This was not a ‘religious person.’  Far from it, it was “a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town.”  In other words, she was the town prostitute and everyone knew it.  While Jesus reclined at a religious leader’s table eating dinner, this sinner came up behind at his feet weeping profusely.  Using her tears to wet Jesus’ feet, she then took her long, beautiful hair (the object of her glory and dignity in her culture) and washed them clean.  Next, she kissed his feet tenderly and took the alabaster jar of perfume she brought (worth more than a year’s wages – $28,000 in today’s terms) and poured all of it on his feet, rubbing it in carefully to anoint them.  The aroma of her perfume filled the whole room.

What an amazing picture of extravagant love openly displayed before others.  Of course, not everyone could appreciate such worship.  Some, like the Pharisee, were put off by the woman’s reputation and ‘over the top’ self humiliation.  It was undignified!  In the other Gospel accounts, one of Jesus’ disciples was bothered by what appeared to him to be a waste of money, time, and effort.  Jesus stopped all those who looked down their noses at her by asking, “Who loved more?”

As forgiven and redeemed sinners, we should appreciate more than anyone extravagant worship and displays of lavish love for our Lord and Savior.  He has forgiven us for so much.  He has given us so much.  Yet, if you are like me, we have grown uncomfortable around others who openly display their adoration of God in song, dance, and shouts of joy.  Early 20th century Pentecostals were especially known for their extreme acts of worship.  They did not earn the name “holy rollers” for nothing!  However, a tame “Jericho march” would throw many worshippers into a tail spin today.

What Michal saw as “undignified” and “humiliated” was for King David a celebration of his love of God.  Both David and the sinful woman worshipped and displayed their extravagant love publicly, not in private.  Does the world around us know how much we love the Lord?  Is public thanks and love to God expressed from our lips daily and on every occasion we get to give it?  Or, are we afraid that we will appear “undignified” and be “humiliated” because we appear so radically in love with the God who forgave us and blessed us with his salvation?

If worship is the love language of the worshipper, do others know that we are in love with our Redeemer, the Lover of our soul, and the ‘fairest of ten thousand?’  It might be time to let the secret out and let others know.

©Weatherstone/Ron Almberg, Jr. (2010)

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The author Scott Peck noted that the ability to appreciate pleasant, unearned surprises as gifts tends to be good for one’s mental health.  Those who perceive grace in the world are more likely to be grateful and happy than those who do not.  Grace is available for everyone.  God’s grace is evident everywhere: in the nurturing touch of a mother, in the hug of a father, in the provision from a job, in the help from a friend, in the fellowship of a church, in the emotional connection of a song, in the words of encouragement spoken into the midst of trials, in the beauty of art work, in the wonders of creation and in the rescue and relief from emergency services.  Like rain, God’s grace flows over the earth.  It falls on the just and the unjust.

There is a story of about a Yankee who, on a business trip, had to drive through the South for the first time.  He stopped at a roadside diner in South Carolina and ordered eggs and sausage for breakfast.  He was surprised when his order came with a white blob on the plate.  “What’s this?” he asked the waitress.  “Them’s grits, suh,” she replied.  But I didn’t order them,” he said.  “You don’t order grits,” she explained.  “They just come.”  And that is very much like grace.  It just comes to us.  Unasked for and undeserved, the blessings of God flow in, through, under and over our lives.  As author Scott Peck noted, happy is the one who recognizes it!

Eagle Creek Pool, Fall 2002

Eagle Creek Pool, Fall 2002 ©Weatherstone/Ron Almberg, Jr. (2010)

The Bible reminds us that God’s grace flows to those who are full of thanks and humble.  In fact James says, “God resists the arrogant, but gives his grace to the humble.”  Our attitude and posture are important in our relationship with God, especially when we are in need of his grace.  A good definition of grace is “God’s unmerited favor”.  Do you need God’s favor in your life today?  For what you are going through in life?  You can look to God, who will lavish his favor upon you abundantly.  However, it is important to be in a position of reception and readiness.  Otherwise, you may miss it.

I am thankful that God’s grace comes to me freely and most often when I do not expect it.  It reminds me that I am his and that he is still in charge.  He only asks that I remain humble and thankful before him.  This is a position of receiving something I do not deserve.  Why is this important?  Because arrogance shuts off the flow of his grace into our life.  It says, “No thanks.  I’ve got what I need.”  Self-sufficient pride closes our life to God’s unmerited favor.  Simply, our life or human vessel is already full – of our self.

Grace flows most easily toward humble gratitude.  Even as humans we find that it is much easier to be gracious and show favor to those who are humble and thankful.  An arrogant person repulses and repels the gracious help that is offered.  Is it any wonder then that God’s grace flows toward the humble?  So, in one sense, you may have your own hand upon the faucet handle of the source of God’s favor towards you.  Go ahead.  Turn it on with humility and thankfulness.  Let it flow.

©Weatherstone/Ron Almberg, Jr. (2010)

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Merry Crispmouse

As another year has become a memory, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me “forwards” over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message.

Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes ’cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who won’t put “Under God” on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their “chickens” are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all – but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me so now I will now return the favor!

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (EDT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine’s next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

Have a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!

(unknown)

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