Poor Job. The biblical person who suffered ever increasing tragedy until nothing was left to him but a bitter wife has come down to us as an example of human suffering and the questions that go along with it. He lost his wealth, his children and their families, all he owned, and was plagued with disease. As he sat in an heap of ashes allowing dogs to lick his wounds, his wife’s only counsel was to “curse God and die“. Obviously, according to her, Job must have done something to bring down the wrath of the Almighty.
When Job’s friends hear about his plight, they mount a support group to be with Job and offer him comfort. Unfortunately, they, too, offer words that are more damning than helpful. Their miserable efforts at help and comfort end up bringing more suffering to Job instead of relief. In the end, Job wishes they had never come to “help”. He would like all of them to just go back home.
We still use Job’s friends as an example for us today. Whenever people offer comfort that ends up being no real comfort at all we call these individuals “Job’s comforters”. Instead of bringing relief, they bring only more emotional turmoil and suffering along with a sense of guilt that whatever happened was somehow the sufferers’ fault.
Broken Sand Dollar on the Beach, Gleneden Beach, Oregon ©Weatherstone/Ron Almberg, Jr. (2009)
I have been to too many funerals and memorial services where well-meaning individuals have turned out to be a “Job’s comforter”. Their badly derived words of wisdom and attempts at comfort only bring greater sorrow and despair. I cannot number the times that I have wished someone would just shut their mouth. In fact, I have come to believe that the best thing that can be said by family and friends and well-wishers at a funeral, memorial, or graveside service is nothing! Simply being present is a gift enough.
I have shuddered as I have heard people say:
- “God must have needed him/her in heaven more than we did.” – to parents after the death of a child
- “Good thing you are still young and can have more kids.” – to a young couple whose baby died of SIDS
- “Now you have even more reason to cherish the children you still have at home.” – to a grieving mom
- “It just wasn’t meant to be.” – to a mom whose baby died shortly after child birth!
- “Remember, God will never give you more than you can handle.”
- “You just keep a stiff upper lip. You’ll be okay.” – to a grieving widow
- “God must have a lesson for you and your family in all of this.” – after a tragic accidental death
- “God must have known that he/she wouldn’t have been healthy.”
- “God must have known that he/she would have trouble later and needed to go to heaven now.”
- “Try and be strong for the other children.” – to a young teen grieving over the death of his father.
- “He/She is in a better place.” – to a young husband whose wife died of cancer.
- “It will get better/easier with time.” – to a grieving widow.
- “God must have needed another angel in heaven.” – to grieving parents over the death of a young daughter
- “You are so strong. I know you can handle this.”
- “I know how you feel.”
- “Be grateful for the time you had with him/her.”
- “At least he/she is not suffering any more.”
- “You know that he/she would not have wanted you to feel so sad this way.”
- “Time heals all wounds. You will be over this someday.”
- “Things will be back to normal before you know it.”
- “Maybe we should have prayed more, then God would have healed him/her.”
- “Remember, ‘all things work together for good’.”
- “Try not to cry so much. It upsets the kids.”
This is about the time I would like to throw out all of Job’s comforters! It seems to be a human propensity to feel the need to say something unfitting in times of mourning. Unfortunately, the best that most can come up with is some cheesy spiritual platitude, misplaced Scriptural reference, or miserable attempt to instruct the one grieving. This is not the time to compare tragedies, instruct in the stages of grieving, or offer spiritual counsel. It is a time to share in the grieving – to “mourn with those who mourn“.
Mourning with those who mourn is best done by simply being present with the one grieving. This does not require words! It can involve a loving touch on the arm or shoulder. It may even involve a tender hug. For the grieving person, just knowing that there are friends and family present and that they are not alone in their grieving is relief enough.
If words must be used, short statements that identify with the grief of the one mourning is the most appropriate:
- “I am so sorry for your loss.”
- “I do not know what to say right now except that I love you and hurt for you.”
- “My thoughts and prayers are with you.”
- “I sure am going to miss him/her. I remember when he/she…” – it is okay to share short memories or impressions of the deceased if it is appropriate.
- “I just want to be here for you right now.”
- “My heart aches for your loss.”
- “I cannot imagine what you are going through right now, but I want you to know I am here for you.”
- “It is okay to cry and grieve. He/she was loved so much and will be missed.”
- “You do not need to say anything right now if you do not want to. I just want to be with you.”
This does not just apply to the time immediate following a death or tragic loss. It also applies months, even years, later when the fresh wound of grief is opened by a memory. Such a person’s loss is never fully healed. The pain of it will always be present. To avoid becoming a Job’s comforter, one must help the one mourning identify the pain and grieve the loss. Rather than prolonging grieving, as some may suspect, it actually helps the person heal. Rather than attempting to suppress the emotions associated with the pain, they are embraced as a part of living.
Rather than become a Job’s comforter, the challenge is to become a true friend who “mourns with those who mourn”. If everyone became better at that perhaps all of Job’s comforters would be thrown out or at least drowned out by the love and kind words of those who are present to comfort those who mourn.
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