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Posts Tagged ‘Food Humor’

1.  Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately… Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat… Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year‘s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

[author unknown]

Please Be Safe

Please Be Safe

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Okra

Image via Wikipedia

Everything you always suspected but could never get confirmed by a reputable news source….


“The Shocking Truth About Okra!”  ©1987, 2007 by Joe Hickman, editor and Doctor of Okra.

It is a well-known fact that common garden insects will NOT eat okra.  Neither will uncommon garden insects.  That should tell you something.

Some say okra is a vegetable; others say it’s a fruit.  Most people can’t recall ever having said anything at all about okra.  Except possibly, “Are those legless geckos sleeping near my mashed potatoes?”

Even people who don’t eat okra may find it useful — for example, as a green plumb-bob for a vegetarian architect.

A pod of okra on a gold chain makes an excellent conversation piece.  You can tell everyone that’s it’s an Elk’s tooth — with plaque.

Okra can be boiled, fried, steamed, or pickled.  But no matter what you do to it, it still tastes exactly like okra.

Remember, boiled okra is so slippery, you may think you’re swallowing little green oysters.

Consuming fried okra north of the Mason-Dixon line is considered gastric perversion and may lead close friends to refer to you as “magnolia breath.”

You campers will be happy to hear that dried okra makes great bio-degradable tent stakes.

Please beware of the Great Okra Swindle.  Certain unethical supermarkets are painting okra yellow and attempting to sell it as miniature Peruvian bananas.  You can sure tell the difference in a banana pudding.

[author unknown]

DQ Sign:  cheesecake lizzards

DQ Sign: cheesecake lizzards

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Calorie Chapel by Gayle D. Erwin

1. The Old Testament was filled with feasts:
A. They had at least one feast every month
B. Three of those feasts lasted at least a week
C. God set up the feast system
D. God commanded that the feasts be filled with joy

2. When Jesus came He was accused of being a glutton…
A. That surely meant that he had a weight problem, since no one that you know of who was skinny was ever accused of being a glutton.
B. Most of the gospel of John was written around a table.
C. The family of Jesus (in Mark chapter 3) thought he had gone crazy because he was not eating his lunch.

3. What did Jesus leave us to remember him by?
A. Food! Bread and wine.
B. Jesus became angry only a few times. One time was when he was hungry and a fig tree, though well leaved, did not yield any fruit. It made him angry enough to kill the tree.

4. After the Resurrection, every time you see Jesus, what is he doing? Eating!
A. Right after he appeared to the scared Apostles hidden in a room and told them not to fear, he asked them if they had anything to eat. Luke 24:41 And while they still did not believe it because of joy and amazement, he asked them, “Do you have anything here to eat?” Luke 24:42 They gave him a piece of broiled fish, Luke 24:43 and he took it and ate it in their presence.
B. The two men on the road to Emmaus did not even recognize Jesus until He sat down to eat. Then they said, “Now we know you.”

5. The Early Church had only a few constant habits–items that would readily identify them. Eating together was one of them. Acts 2:46 “Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts.”

6. How is Heaven going to begin? A feast–the Marriage Supper of the Lamb.

7. In Revelation 3:20 Jesus said, “Behold I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice I will come in to him and sup with him and he with me.”

Could it be that these Biblical revelations form the basis on a new doctrine?

Happy with Lard

Happy with Lard

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Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ’em.”

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said, “I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.”

Her trial starts next month.

[author unknown]

Gerber Picante Sauce

Gerber Picante Sauce

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(From Yahoo! Fresh Picks by Sarah Fuss. See link below.)

My “two scoops won’t hurt and neither will these french fries” approach to eating doesn’t lend itself well to swimsuit season. Although the beach treks may have begun, there is time to make a change. So, let me have it. What’s that ice cream going to cost me in workout minutes?

To tell us is Charles Stuart Platkin, also known as the Diet Detective. He is the author of five books and and host of WE TV’s I Want To Save Your Life. Here is his report on what some of our chain-food favorites should cost us in time spent doing common exercises…

Note: Calorie content of foods are based on official website information at the time of publication. Minutes of exercise are averages based on a 155-pound person. The greater the weight of the person the more calories burned per minute.

DONUT
Dunkin Donuts Chocolate Frosted Donut (230 calories)
59 minutes of walking (3 mph).

BREAKFAST SANDWICH
McDonald’s Egg McMuffin (300 calories)
32 minutes of running (5 mph).

CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE
Panera Chocolate Chipper (440 calories)
62 minutes of biking (10-11.9 mph).

PIZZA
Pizza Hut Large Hand-Tossed Style Cheese Pizza (1 slice; 320 calories)
39 minutes of swimming (slow to moderate laps).

CINNAMON ROLL
Starbucks Cinnamon Roll (500 calories, varies by location)
85 minutes of dancing.

HAMBURGER
Burger King Original Whopper With Cheese (770 calories)
94 minutes of swimming (slow to moderate laps).

Ben is an overachiever!

Ben is an overachiever!

BROWNIE
Au Bon Pain Chocolate Chip Brownie (380 calories).
129 minutes of yoga (Hatha style).

FRIES
Wendy’s Large French Fries (540 calories)
77 minutes of biking (10-11.9 mph).

ICE CREAM
Häagen-Dazs Vanilla Ice Cream (0.5 cup; 270 calories)
29 minutes of running (5 mph).

BURRITO
Taco Bell Burrito Supreme, Beef (410 calories)
70 minutes of dancing.

http://food.yahoo.com/blog/yahoofreshpicks/9960/what-chain-food-favorites-cost-in-exercise/

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