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Posts Tagged ‘Barbie’

‘Twas the night before Christmas when all through the house
I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired,
In hopes we could manage “Some Assembly Required.”

The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds,
While Dad and I faced the evening with dread:
A kitchen, two bikes, Barbie‘s town house to boot!
And, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!

We opened the boxes, my heart skipped a beat….
Let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement;
If we can’t get it right, it goes in the basement!

When what to my worrying eyes should appear,
But 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear,
With each part numbered and every slot named,
So if we failed, only we could be blamed.

More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out,
All over the carpet they were scattered about.
Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!
Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!

Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.”
Honey,” said hubby, “you just glued my hand.”
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact
That all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact

To keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night
With “assembly required” till morning’s first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,
Till our eyes, they went bleary; our fingers all hurt.

The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin
Before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,
We fell into bed for a well-deserved rest.

But I said to my husband just before I passed out,
This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we’ll cheer, let the holiday ring,
And not have to run to the store for a thing!

We did it! We did it! The toys are all set
For the perfect, most perfect, Christmas, I bet!

Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went,
Though I suppose there’s something to say for those self-deluded…
I’d forgotten that batteries are never included!

[author unknown]

Merry Alien Christmas

Merry Alien Christmas

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One word… bowling!

As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range of the splatter upon impact.

As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!)

As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.

Makes a great doggie chew toy.

Fill it with whip cream – watch the fun.

An unexplored cavern for the new Barbie.

A visual aid to explain to children where babies come from.

If you’re flying home, take the carcass as a carry-on.  See what it looks like in the X-ray machine.  Better yet, put it in a pet carrier and asked the flight attendant for some chicken feed.

Wear as a helmet, declaring, “I’m TURKEYMAN!

Before serving, paste feathers on the poor naked creature.

Place a speaker inside the bird, and from another room, amaze your guests with this talking foul!

Throw the turkey out the window yelling, “You’re FREE! Fly! FLY!

Two words: Turkey puppet.

Toss the carcass into a turkey farm to intimidate next year’s stock.

Attach to a fishing pole, slowly drive around the neighborhood in the back of a pickup and see how many dogs follow you.

From a concealed location, toss in front of a passing car.  When they stop, run out screaming that they hit your dog!

As in an old murder mystery, question all the dinner guests in an attempt to discover who killed the guest of honor. 

As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins.

As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, “Aren’t they a wonderful band!” for the 25th time.

As a hood ornament.

As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can’t kiss you and say, “How much you’ve grown!”

As a football for the after-meal game.

[unknown]

Prozac Turkey
Prozac Turkey

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