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Posts Tagged ‘American Culture Humor’

December 14, 2010

Dearest Dave,

I went to the door today, and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree.  This was a delightful gift!  I couldn’t have been more surprised or pleased darling!

With truly the deepest love,
Agnes

December 15, 2010

Dearest Dave,

Today the postman brought me yet another of your sweet gifts.  The two turtle doves that arrived today are adorable, and I’m delighted by your thoughtful and generous ways.

With all of my love,
Your Agnes

December 16, 2010

Dearest Dave,

You’ve truly been too kind!  I must protest; I don’t deserve such generosity.  The thought of getting three French hens amazes me.  Yet, I am not surprised–what more should I expect from such a nice person.

Love,
Agnes

December 17, 2010

Dear Dave,

Four calling birds arrived in the mail today.  They are truly nice but don’t you think that enough is enough?  You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,
Agnes

December 18, 2010

Dearest darling Dave,

It was a surprise to get five golden rings!  I now have one for every finger.  You truly are impossible darling, yet oh how I love it!  Quite frankly, all of those squawking birds from the previous days were starting to get on my nerves.  Yet, you managed to come through with a beautiful, valuable gift!

All my love,
Agnes

December 19, 2010

Dear Dave,

When I opened my door, there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps.  So, you’re back to the birds again, huh?  Those geese are dear, but where will I keep them?  The neighbors are complaining, and I am unable to sleep with all the racket.  Please stop, dear.

Cordially,
Agnes

December 20, 2010

Dave,

What is with you and those stupid birds!?  Seven swans a-swimming!!  What kind of sick joke is this!!??  There are bird droppings everywhere!  They never shut up, and I don’t get any sleep!!!  I’m a nervous wreck!  It’s not funny you weirdo, so stop with the birds.

Sincerely,
Agnes

December 21, 2010

O.K. wise guy,

The birds were bad enough.  Now what do you expect me to do with eight maids a-milking?  If that’s not bad enough, they had to bring their cows!!  The front lawn was completely ruined by them, and I can’t move in my own house!  Just lay off me or you’ll be sorry!

Agnes

December 22, 2010

Hey loser,

What are you?  You must be some kind of sadist!!  Now there are nine pipers playing, and they certainly do play!  They haven’t stopped chasing those maids since they got here!  The cows are getting upset, and they’re stepping all over those screeching birds.  The neighbors are getting up a petition to evict me, and I’m going out of my mind!

You’ll get yours!
Agnes

December 23, 2010

You rotten scum!!!

There are now ten ladies dancing!  There is only one problem with that!  They’re dancing twenty-four hours a day all around me with the pipers upsetting the cows and the maids.  The cows can’t sleep, and they are going to the bathroom everywhere!  The building commissioner has subpoenaed me to give cause as to why the house shouldn’t be condemned!  I can’t even think of a reason!  You creep!  I’m sicking the police on you!

One who means it!

December 24, 2010

Listen you evil, sadistic, maniac!

What’s with the eleven lords-a-leaping?!?  They are leaping across the rooms breaking everything and even injuring some of the maids!  The place smells, is an absolute mad house, and is about to be condemned!  At least the birds are quiet; they were trampled to death by the cows.  I hope you are satisfied–you rotten vicious, worthless piece of garbage!

Your sworn enemy,
Agnes

December 25, 2010

The Law Offices of
Badger, Rees, and Yorker
20 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

Dear sir,

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers-fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, one Agnes McHolstein.  The destruction of course was total.  If you attempt to reach Ms. McHolstein at Happy Daze Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on site.

Please direct all correspondence to this office in the future.  With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Badger, Rees, and Yorker

[author unknown]

Reindeer Helping Santa Claus

Reindeer Helping Santa Claus

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Monday A.M.
Dearest: Sleep late.  Everything under control.  Lunches packed.  Kids off to school.  Menu for dinner planned.  Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches.  Thermos of hot tea by bedside.  See you around six.

Tuesday A.M.
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator.  Hope you got back to sleep.  Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses?  The school might call you on this.  Dinner may be a little late.  I’m doing your door-to-door canvass for Breast Cancer Research.  Your lunch is in refrigerator.  Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister!  If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris’s missing shoes?  We’ve checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box.  Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers?  There’s some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer.  Will be late tonight.  Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour a meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M.
Doris: Don’t panic over water in hallway.  It crested last night at 9 P.M.  Will finish laundry tonight.  Please pencil in answers to following:
1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?
2. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?
3. How do you remove a Confederate flag inked on the palm of a small boy’s forehead?
4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the refrigerator door?  I don’t know what you’re having for lunch!  Surprise me.

Friday A.M.
Hey: Don’t drink from pitcher by the sink.  Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white.  Take heart.  Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time.  I called your mother.

[author unknown]

Dog Guardians

Dog Guardians

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1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.  And now that you’ve come into my life…

  • I’ve changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life…

  • I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am….

  • That you’re not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion.  Before you go….

  • Will you take the knife from my back? You’ll probably need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry…

  • Someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday!  You look great for your age…

  • Almost lifelike!

7. When we were together, you said you’d die for me…

  • Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time to keep your promise.

8. We’ve been friends for a very long time…

  • What do you say we stop?

9. I’m so miserable without you…

  • It’s almost like you’re still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy….

  • Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend.  If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket

  • I’d miss you terribly and think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday…

  • So we’re having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

14. Looking back over the years we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder…

  • What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day!…

  • Too bad no one likes your husband.

[author unknown]

Extreme Forest Fire Hazard

Extreme Forest Fire Hazard

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  • Better save that.  We’ll need it for the autopsy.
  • Someone call the janitor—we’re going to need a mop.
  • Bo!  Bo!  Come back with that!  Bad dog!!
  • Wait a minute…If this is his spleen, then what’s that?
  • Hand me that…uh…that uh….thingie.
  • Oh, no.  I just lost my Rolex.
  • Oops…Hey…has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
  • Ya’ know, there’s big money in kidneys.  Shoot-fire, the guy’s got two of ’em.
  • Everybody stand back—I lost my contact lens.
  • Could you stop that thing from thumping?  It’s throwing my concentration off.
  • I hate it when they’re missing stuff in here.
  • That’s cool!  Now, can you make his leg twitch?!
  • I wish I hadn’t forgotten my glasses…
  • Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
  • Sterile, schmerile….The floor’s clean, right?
  • And now, we remove the subject’s brain and place it in the body of the ape.

[author unknown]

Medicine for Condition

Medicine for Condition

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… maternity leave would last two years … with full pay

… there would be a cure for stretch marks

… natural childbirth would become obsolete

… morning sickness would rank as the nation’s #1 health problem

… all methods of birth control would be 100% effective

… children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained

… men would be eager to talk about commitment

… sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM

… briefcases would be used as diaper bags

… paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes

… they’d stay in bed during the entire pregnancy

… restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees

… women would rule the world

[author unknown]

Red Neck Tank Top

Red Neck Tank Top

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Following are answers given by elementary school-age children to the given questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We are related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because Dad is such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What’s the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that’s who you have to ask if you want to
sleep over at your friend’s.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t have spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What’s the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don’t even have bread on them.

Describe the world’s greatest mom?
1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn’t make me kiss my fat aunts.
3. She’d always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d dye it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my mom smarter — then she would know my sister did it and not me.

(author unknown)

Never Having Kids

Never Having Kids

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